News broke earlier today about Dallas Cowboys’ star running back Ezekial Elliott getting into a little scuffle at a Dallas bar last night (per ESPN). Now, Cowboys getting in trouble with the law is something we’re all used to hearing, but what if I told you there’s a bigger entity behind the occurrence of these off field issues? Brace yourself, because I’m about to lay down some earth SHATTERING evidence behind the idea that the Dallas Cowboys are just a mirage for the largest crime association America has seen in YEARS.

Every criminal organization has to have a leader, right? So we’re going to start off at the top of the food chain, with the top dog, Jerry Jones or JJ as he is referee to by close friends and family. Jerry wasn’t always the filthy rich bastard we know and hate today, he had to start somewhere, and that somewhere was with Jimmy Hoffa. A little background on Jimmy Hoffa, he was president of the International Brotherhood of Teamsters union, who had large ties with the mafia, and went missing never to be seen again (most likely due to the mafia). It turns out our guy Jerry actually took a small loan of a million dollars to open some pizza franchises, which turned out to fail (per Wikipedia paragraph 2). And in that same paragraph, it mentions he took another loan from the Teamsters to try and buy the Chargers in ’67, which fell through, but he eventually was able to create his own private oil company. Now this is where things get fishy.

Yes, Jerry has a lot of money, around $5 billion, so he was able to pay back the Teamsters. BUT that wasn’t the last transaction that would be made between them. Just last year, 60 Minutes broke a HUGE story on faux olive oil that originated with the Italian mob. So we all know how the mob works, kinda, it’s like a “scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” situation, and that’s exactly what Jerry got himself into unless he wanted to “disappear”. I mean, he saw (or didn’t see) what happened to Hoffa and knew he didn’t want that to be his fate. It’s so simple. Jerry Jones big in the OIL industry, the mafia needs a guy to help manufacture/distribute olive OIL, and that’s what he began doing. I know what you’re thinking, “It really isn’t that simple, and just because Jerry owns an oil company doesn’t mean he’s making fake olive oil”, and my response? “Shut up idiot.” We got you JJ, there’s no hiding it. And it truly is sad that you’re just using the Cowboys to hide in plain site, but the fans are so oblivious it truly is THAT easy. Pretty bold strategy.

Now, Jerry just signs players that he believes will continue to aid him through this underhanded and truly twisted scheme. In the list provided are the names and roles of some players within this menacingly evil plot for olive oil domination. Not only do these players have roles, they are also scapegoats, creating controversy about themselves to keep the eyes off of JJ.

Dak Prescott The Brain:  The innocent and new face of the Dallas franchise is not only a mastermind on the field, but behind the scenes as well. Taking a play out of The Book of Eli (Manning), got him into a little trouble this offseason. Accused of selling sports memorabilia that was not signed by him, but actually printed on with the help of a machine. Just another rouse to keep the heat off JJ? Hmm?

Ezekiel Elliott The Muscle: As explained in the beginning of the article, Zeke is accused of breaking an individual’s nose at a bar brawl in Dallas. Now who’s to say the man he hit isn’t a competitor in the underground olive oil trade, and Zeke is just sending them a message? I mean haven’t heard anything saying this individual didn’t have ties to the illegal olive oil market. Zeke’s breaking ankles on the field, and noses off of it.

Dez Bryant The Wildcard: Now when “The Muscle” can’t get it done, you send in this man, “The Wildcard”. Dez has been able to stay out of the eye of the law since coming into the pros, but had a little stint before he was here. Jerry saw the potential he had not only on the field, but as another bad boy, in the faux olive oil business. This man beat the shit out of his MOM before he was drafted, and I’ll tell you right now, if this guy could beat the shit out his mom, what the fuck is he going to do to a rival olive oil dealer? I don’t want to find out.

La’el Collins The Hitman: JJ drafted this man even after he was a suspect in a murder case. Did he do it? I don’t know. Who does? Doesn’t seem like anyone. And that’s EXACTLY why Jerry wanted him on his squad.

Jerry, Jerry, Jerry.. Thought nobody would find out? Just needed someone to do a little research, create a lot of bold accusations, and make large connections without any context or evidence. YOU GOT, GOT, JERRY!

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