You may have heard of Lucky Whitehead, if you haven’t, get out of the rock you live under. He’s a no name WR in the NFL who was cut by the Cowboys this offseason and picked up by the stinky Jets. And after hearing about his offseason, you’ll never think of suicide again. No, it’s not because he’s terrible at his job (which he actually is terrible at), it’s much much more than that. This guy’s been to hell, but he hasn’t come back yet. Let me give you a little timeline through this man’s offseason…

  • Luck Whitehead’s dog is kidnapped and held for a $20k ransom by rapper “Boogotti Kasino” (aka Randy McDandy, cause no one’s ever heard of this fucking random). Not to worry though, the dog was returned safe and sound. But deadass, fuck this guy “Jabroni Casino”. What a herb. Take my dog and I’ll murder the shit out of you.
  • Lucky is arrested for being suspected in a theft (shoplifting). After the arrest, he spoke to the Cowboys organization higher ups where he tried to explain this was a false arrest. He was essentially called a liar and cut from the team.
  • News breaks that he actually wasn’t the individual who committed the theft, and his name is cleared. He becomes a free agent, and is eventually signed by the New York Jets (Probably wishes he was convicted at this point).
  • Lucky breaks his foot at Jets’ practice, and now needs surgery.

You know that expression, “Things could always be worse”? Well, this is exactly what they meant when they said that shit. He will now be referred to by his first name Rodney, (I can see why he chose “Lucky”), from now on because he is the farthest thing from lucky. Nevertheless, I really can’t help but feel bad for the guy. I mean all of the shit that happened to him really stinks on ice, but stay woke on this one. Now that his foot’s broken, he doesn’t need to play for one of the worst teams in the NFL right now and can collect some guaranteed MULA while collecting splinters in his ass on the bench. I guess there really is a silver lining in everything.